I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
work smarter, not harder
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.