I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Yup.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Confused owl: What?!
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.