Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
definitely did not do anything wrong
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.