Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.