ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
“We will wed,” I threatened
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.