My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
PLOT TWIST:
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.