“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Y’all ready for this
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!