“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”