@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

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@JimGaffigan

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

@Marlebean

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

@Whatevah_Amy

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

@mattZillaaaa

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

@mattgallo123

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

@clichedout

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond