taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
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Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.