“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer