“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Is anyone gonna tell them?
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.