those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.