gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
WHO DID THIS?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!