Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight