I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
So inspired right now.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?