Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.