The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.