Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Hello Twits.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION