Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
You Might Also Like
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.