Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy