Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I don’t make the rules sorry
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.