Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Meow
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.