My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I laughed at this way too hard.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome