Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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Ma’am, step through again
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.