I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
won’t smith
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*ernest hemingway voice*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.