If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!