One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?