[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Boom, boom, ching!
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.