If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
You Might Also Like
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I have so many questions.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you