By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
sir, my pâté if you please
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
May never get over this
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: