her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.