mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates