My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
the three branches of government
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.