Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.