Ghost costume š
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Gemma Correll
Itās never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. Iām 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I used to work at McDonaldās and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
it may not be my circus, but if Iām being honestā¦ more often than not, it is my monkey
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
white people love ordering something thatās meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The audacity of my parentsā oldies station now playing 80s music.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chopā
Me: Iām out.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, āHey sweetheart, why donāt you utilize the loadā¦
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today heās telling everyone that āanacondas love honey bunsā.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
We donāt talk enough about Nicholsonās competent axe technique in The Shining
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.