If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right