New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.