@Cornjerker78

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

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@XplodingUnicorn

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

@Dad_At_Law

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

@dril

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@naazihah

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@Breadery

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.