New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.


Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.


the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.


Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.


My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.


Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.


Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.