nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
no cat here
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”