[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Worst perfume name ever.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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