I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya