There is no “we” in chocolate.

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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way


Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.


The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change


Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.


“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”


If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.


Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.


If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.


Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions


I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom