There is no “we” in chocolate.

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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.


This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.


[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t


GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.


Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now


“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.


My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.


What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone