There is no “we” in chocolate.
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just how popey was the pope today?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children