@tjinscot

There is no “we” in chocolate.

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@snek__charmer

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

@ArfMeasures

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@CrockettForReal

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

@junejuly12

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone