im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing