Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?