ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.