No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.