If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
FRED: right
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.