Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud