once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
You Might Also Like
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“Wait, let me explain..”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Terribly Tuesday.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.