Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Yes, but it was never about money
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me