Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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