lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere