When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
A choir of Spring onions
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?