*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Scream sneezers need love too.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions