Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
…..pretty much.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!