*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Intelligence is the new cleavage
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
as is their right
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….