as is their right
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in