I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Bringing home a sharpie
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
cause of death:
autopsy.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?